Have you ever met a woman who is exceptionally competent, intelligent, well-spoken, and capable, and yet somehow has a very small circle? Maybe you’ve even thought she was intimidating. Or cold. Or too serious. Or simply “not the type you can be friends with.”
What if she’s none of those things? What if she has simply learned to be selective about who gets access to her?
The night before my wedding, a woman who finished her doctoral degree in IIUM, Malaysia, who now owns multiple businesses in Sultan Kudarat and Cotabato City advised me: “as a woman, it is very important to be selective about whom you befriend”.
And I was quite surprised by that because given her family and educational background, I had imagined that she would be extremely outgoing. Instead, she seemed deliberate about the people she allowed into her life.
That was five years ago. But to this day, I still remember that advice every time I encounter a high-achieving or a woman with goals who isolates herself.
Because over the years, I noticed that every woman I know who is successful in their fields in the office seems to gatekeep themselves. I still wonder why, because every time I get to talk to them and get to know them, I can tell they really, really would be a good friend since oftentimes, they have a very strong character, are thoughtful, and are intentionally kind.
And then I also noticed that, ironically, their male counterparts often have a strong network. Their confidence is seen as leadership and their independence as strength. People would even line up to be their friends.
I believe this phenomenon is a gender thing and the world, or at least the part of the world I am in, is not kind to competent women.
But is she really a problem if she refuses to be caged in the role that society wants her to be in?
If you meet a woman who is competent, intelligent, ambitious, outspoken, or independent, we don’t always allow her to simply be those things. We also expect her to also prove that she’s kind, safe, she’s humble and approachable.
And if she doesn’t seek our approval, her competence and independence now look arrogant and cold. She’s suddenly something that is way above her level, so we constantly remind her of her place.
I believe this belief and expectation dates back to the earlier days, when people were still led by a single man, that is, a Sultan.
We, Maguindanaon, were heavily socially conditioned about what a man and a woman should be because we were firm believers in social order.
I don’t mean that hierarchy is a bad thing. Every society needs some form of order, especially in the past. The problem begins when hierarchy determines not only who has authority, but who is allowed to have a voice and opinions.
Because as the times change, there is also a need now to update our measurement and perceived roles that no longer serve us.
In the modern world, progress now lies on people’s competence, intellect, ability to solve problems, and ethics. And women surely also have those traits.
And yet, we still act like there is only one universally acceptable gender for competence, it starts with the letter “M”.
Sometimes I wonder what that woman who advised me that night went through to choose to become smaller just to protect herself.
Being A girl’s girl that makes sense
There is this misconception that being a girl’s girl means supporting a woman simply because she’s a woman. Tolerating bad behavior actually brings more harm than good. Especially in the workplace, where the culture is shaped by how you individually behave.
If I were given the chance to work in an office again, here’s what I’d do to be a girl’s girl as a Moro woman:
- I would congratulate a woman who’s succeeding or able to hold her head up high instead of automatically reminding her to be humble.
- I would support women leaders’ or anyone above me’s vision.
- I would avoid conversations that involve unnecessarily putting another woman down who’s not even doing anything aside from her job just because I think she’s better than me.
- I would gladly help a junior woman who seeks my help with a warm hug, and not gatekeep things that I learned the hard way and require to earn first.
- I would show support to women who are vocal with their goals, instead of feeding them with doubts.
- I would clap (tho silently) for a woman’s ability to speak up instead of reminding her of her place as if being a human alone doesn’t give her inherent dignity.
This is not about feminism, or women’s empowerment, or other buzzwords. This is only about societal expectations of keeping women small and palatable.
Because if we really want to move forward as a society, we should stop punishing women for having the same traits we applaud men for.
