I have recently felt validated in my choice to stay home with my children
The value of the mother at home is not really in the food she cooks or the time she spends playing with her kids, although they’re good things. It’s also not in the endless lecture she gives to her kids about how to be a good person worshiping God.
A woman’s value, as I noticed, is in her presence.
It’s when her children can freely play and feel safe to be themselves knowing they’re with someone they can trust.
Our kids have quirks that I wish they would already outgrow. We have a three-year- old and a two-year-old. And they fight a lot. Sometimes they aren’t even fighting. The older one simply wants to play, but the younger one gets startled and suddenly starts crying. We still have a long way to go.
However, because I am at home, they don’t have to cry every morning knowing I’d be leaving them for work.
With my presence, they don’t have to be careful all the time. They can play whenever they want. We don’t have a playroom so the entire house is basically their playroom and I am not strict at the mess they make.
I actually would rather see them turn the chairs and drawers upside down playing pretend to drive a car or ride their bicycle under the sun than sit in front of the computer watching bluey.
I am at peace knowing they had the freedom to be themselves.
I am a late bloomer. I could tell that something in me bloomed a lot in ways that people cannot see.
I grew up in a household where I was not free to be myself. I could not celebrate my strength because someone older always takes the credit for it, and I couldn’t also manage my weakness because I was terrified to even try expressing myself.
But when I got married and got out of that house, that’s when I developed my sense of self and I could tell it grew strongly.
I could finally embrace my archetype that I wouldn’t know had I not gone out of my former environment.
Because it didn’t only affect how I see myself, it also affected how I relate to others. I tried too much to fit in in different groups that I have no common interest in and I wouldn’t be in if I was not only lonely.
I looked for groups and then molded myself into someone that fit in. And when that happened, you would just copy what everyone does that is acceptable to that group. And every time you do that, you’re going farther from yourself and you won’t like it.
For a long time, that’s what I did because I still had no experience of what it really felt like to be myself.
When I developed myself I found out that I was doing it wrong. It should be inside out, not outside in. You should be really yourself and then look for a tribe that matches or align with that.
So with my kids, I always tell my husband to not correct them all the time and to reserve our NOs to things that are extremely harmful. Because I want them to know when they grow up that no matter how harsh the world is outside, there’s still a place where they can be themselves.
Just recently, an adult singled out my two-year-old secondborn. He told everyone in the room to ignore him and made sure my kid heard that no one would talk to him or play with him.
For days, I felt hurt witnessing that. I feel so sorry for my kid to go through with that. And I wonder if that’s how they treat them if I was not around.
But then after some days, I recalled how my second born behaved.
He just ignored them completely and continued watching TV. He didn’t try to win their approval just so those adults would treat him better. He also didn’t shrink or get mad. What they did didn’t get through to him.
And God, he’s just handled bullies better than I do in my adult life. Because sometimes, I’d even clap back.
This happened to my first born too, months ago, when a child way older than him told other kids who wanted to play with my child to play with my child. This was the same older kid who also would make faces at him and mimic him sometimes to annoy him.
And to his credit, my child would just look at him blankly and continue at what he’s doing. Sometimes he’d just grab his bike and keep riding, laughing as though nothing had happened.
For our kids, these behaviours are foreign.
They don’t know what they mean and have no idea why people do them because they don’t experience them at home.
Our second born has this weird fascination for dressing up. He really loves to wear new clothes. But sometimes he would layer them. He would put another shirt on top of his shirt, the same goes with his pants. And then he would put on a cap, a pair of shades, and different socks.
And I would just ask him where he’s going and he’d say KCC and I’d say take care.
I try my best not to laugh whenever he does that because I’m afraid he’d feel embarrassed unnecessarily about something he really loves.
We are not perfect parents. I, especially, when overstimulated, get really pissed off at my first born. But I’m aware that I did it because I cannot control myself, so I control them instead. So I often say sorry that I did bad things and I just got angry and I handled my anger badly and always reminded him he’s a good kid and that I love him even when I get angry sometimes.
But what puts my heart at ease seeing that from a very young age, they seem to understand, even at a young age, that other people’s behavior does not define their worth.
My kids have a stronger self than I do and I am happy for them.
It may be too early to celebrate but I feel fulfilled knowing that even if other people treat them in the ways they only know how, my kids would know it’s not for them because that’s not what they have known they should be treated.
It’s still early to tell. Our firstborn will just be turning four. But I hope as they grow older. God would also grant me more wisdom on how to raise them.